12/12/2017
7:56PM
AS I FLY OFF TO ITALY-
MY MOTHER BEE HAS A HOLE IN HER FOOT AND SORES ON HER BACK.
MY DAD- AL WEIGHS ALL OF 136LBS. LAST MONTH HE WEIGHED 146.
THE MONTH PRIOR HE WEIGHT 156.
SO MY PARENTS ARE WITHERING AWAY, AS I TAKE A LAST DITCH EFFORT TO SALVAGE MY OWN LIFE.
ALL I CAN SAY IS THIS BRITISH AIRWAYS CABERNET FROM CHILE REALLY HITS THE SPOT.
DESPITE A PERMANENT STATE OF MELANCHOLY, I AM THRILLED TO LEAVE AMERIKKKA- WHICH IS NOW A SOURCE OF TRAUMA FOR ME.
I LUCKED OUT AND HAVE TWO SEATS ALL TO MYSELF. I’M THE ONLY ONE ON THIS FLIGHT TO HAVE THIS LUXURY, BESIDES THE BRIT BOY DIRECTLY IN FRONT OF ME.
I WOULD THINK HE WAS CUTE, IF HE WASN’T SOOOO HIGH-STRUNG- OCDISH.
HE CANNOT BE STILL. FIRST HE NEEDED TO GET INTO THE OVERHEAD LUGGAGE. FINE- BUT NOW HE’S ON HIS 5TH REMOVAL. HE DECIDED TO CHANGE INTO HIS PAJAMAS SINCE THIS WILL BE AN OVER-NIGHT FLIGHT. I ON THE OTHER-HAND- PUT ON MY NEW TIE. IT LOOKS LIKE PREPPY BROOKS BROTHERS, BUT WHEN YOU LOOK UP CLOSE THE PRINT IS SKULLS.
I LOVE THE IDEA OF FOOLING EVERYONE.
I MUST SAY THE FOOD IS GOOD- CONSIDERING ITS AIRLINE FOOD….
AND OF COURSE TEA!
YES MY DEARS I AM THRILLED TO BE OUT OF THAT HELL- HOLE WHICH WAS ONCE CONSIDERED AMERICA.
AFTER 10 HOURS OF FLYING, I'M NOW AT MY LAYOVER IN LONDON, HEATHROW. WHAT A MASS OF CONFUSION. THE TERMINALS ARE NOWHERE NEAR THE TARMAC, AND THERE IS NOBODY TO TELL YOU WHERE TO GO. I ASKED ONE OLDER GUY WEARING A BRITISH AIRWAYS JACKET WHO TELLS ME-
“YOUR FLIGHT IS NOT HERE YET- SO IT WON’T TELL YOU WHICH GATE. JUST WAIT HERE UNTIL IT APPEARS.”
WAIT WHERE? IN THE JET-BRIDGE? IN THE FREEZING HALLWAY?
IT IS COMPLETELY EMPTY.
I HATE WHEN EMPLOYEES ACT LIKE YOU WORK FOR THEM!
AFTER ASKING A SECURITY GAURD WHO HAS TO ASK SOMEONE ELSE-
I AM DIRECTED TO A TRAM WHICH TAKES ME 2 STOPS TO A MAIN TERMINAL.
I AM THEN FORCED, (EVERYBODY DEPLANING IS FORCED) TO REENTER SECURITY, GO THRU PAT DOWNS AND SCAN OF BODY CREVICES, RECHECKING AND OPENING BOTH PIECES OF MY LUGGAGE.
HOW DO THEY THINK IT WOULD BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO SNEAK SOMETHING RESTRICTED WHILE IN FLIGHT AND THEN IN THE JET-BRIDGE?
THE MIDDLE EASTERN GUY GOING THRU MY LUGGAGE MAKES THE BEST OF HIS JOB AND THROWS HUMOR INTO WHAT HE’S DOING, ALL THE WHILE HITTING ON “CHICKS.”
HE SAYS TO ME, AS HIS EYES LEER AT THE GIRL NEXT TO ME,
“ YOU LUGGAGE IS SO HEAVY, WHAT DO YOU HAVE IN HERE? A BODY?”
AFTER AWHILE I REALIZE HE’S WAITING FOR AN ANSWER,
“NO, JUST BOOTS”
I RESPOND.
AS A PERSON OF COLOR YOU HAVE TO BE CAREFUL HOW TO RESPOND.
IF I SAID YES JOKINGLY I WOULD BE HAULED OFF TO SECOND INSPECTIONS.
IF YOU DON’T BELIEVE ME TRY TRAVELING AS A NON- LIGHT SKINNED PERSON. IT’S NOT PRETTY.
HE ENDS UP TAKING AWAY MY BEESWAX! “BUT MY DREADS WILL BE NAPPY!,”
I PROTEST. HE DOESN’T CARE. HE ALSO GIVE THE GIRL HE’S HITTING ON A HARD TIME, BUT FOR A DIFFERENT REASON.
THE POWER TRIP THESE TSA AGENTS ARE ON IS A REAL MISUSE OF JUSTICE.
MY FLIGHT IS DELAYED 5 HOURS…
I FINALLY GET TO MILANO- MALPENSA AIRPORT AND BREEZE INTO CUSTOMS. ITALIANS UNDERSTAND TAN SKIN.
I HAIL A TAXI AND CHARGED A WHOOPING 95EUROS!= $113DOLLARS!!
WHAT NERVE.. I’M WAY TOO TIRED TO FIGURE OUT BUSES OR SUBWAYS AFTER TARVELING FOR 16 HOURS STRAIGHT.
THEY RELY ON THIS.
ALTHOUGH TIRED I BRIGHTEN UP WHEN I SEE MY HOTEL- SENATO.
IT IS SO CUTE- IN A GLAMOROUS, YET NONE PRETENTIOUS WAY.
VERY MINIMAL, BLACK & WHITE.
CHIC, BUT NOT SNOBBY.
THE ELEGANT FRONT DESK CLERK GIVES ME MY KEY/CARD. SHE IS FEM/MACHO AT THE SAME TIME. SHE WEARS MEDIUM LENGTH WAVY HAIR, WITH A BLACK SHIRT, TIE AND SLACKS.
I LOVE MY ROOM! ALL WHITE & CHRISP!
I MAY BE WAY TO MESSY FOR ALL THIS WHITE. I TEND TO LEAVE STAINS.
I CAN’T FIGURE OUT HOW TO WORK THE LIGHTS, I’M VERY TIRED AND ITS PITCH BLACK. I FIND THE PHONE AND CALL THE FRONT DESK.
THE MACHO/FEM ANSWERS, “PRONTO.”
“HALLO, I’M SORRY I AM VERY TIRED AND CANNOT FIGURE OUT THE LIGHTS,”
I SAY DORKLY.
“ I WILL SEND MY COLLEAGUE TO SHOW YOU, “ SHE RESPONDS.
THE “COLLEAGUE” IS THE MAINTENANCE MAN. HE SHOWS ME HOW TO INSERT THE HOTEL KEY/CARD INTO THE WALL AND THIS CONTROLS EVERYTHING.
HOW MODERN. I LOVE IT.
AFTER UNGLUING, I HAVE THE MOST PLEASANT NIGHTS SLEEP.
