So This Is How The World Will End: by Rick Castro 5/20/2020
While in LA, I’m trying to kill 20 birds with one stone.
What an awful phrase, who thought of it? I would never try to kill a bird with a stone.
I love birdies, as they’ve become my little neighbors in the high desert. Maybe I should try to change the antiquated phrase to,
“kill twenty bill collectors with one stone.”
Let’s see… what have I done so far……
I retrieved and deposited the Trumpworld tokkken of his kkkindness, I haggled to pay off most of my bills for the month, and went to all my doctor’s appointments scheduled months ago. This morning I got tested for the plague. I wasn’t able to get tested in the high desert, (I wrote about that HERE-) so went online to find a place in LA City. My preferred location was the set up at Dodger Stadium, but for whatever reason it wasn’t available, so opted for Cedars- Sinai Medical Center. I have fond memories, (I’m being sarcastic)
of my stay there after an emergency bike accident in 1998.
My appointment time is 9am. Stated over and over on the information page- BE THERE ON TIME, I arrived early. They had an indoor parking lot blocked off with traffic cones and a long line of check-in requirements, (all done in your car)-
1- show your ID to a security guard
2- show a “nurse” you ID
3- roll your windows up.
4- pull forward to a kiosk
5- show your ID again
6- pull forward to a certain line
7- show your ID yet again
8- pull up to a station where two nurses in head to toe surgical gear, ask/tell you-
Two nurses, “Show your ID.”
Me, I do so
Two nurses, “Lower your window all the way.”
Me, “Ok”
Two nurses, “This facility only does nasal swab test, do you consent?”
Me, “Do I have a choice?”
Two Nurses- “This facility only does nasal swabs test, do you consent?”
Me, “Online didn’t give mention of this, in fact they direct you to a video that demos how to swab your mouth.”
Nurses, “If you go online to the lower right hand side of your screen, you will see in small type the description of each facility.”
Me, “Well I’m here, so yes I consent.”
Two nurses, “Remove your mask to uncover your nose, but keep your mouth covered.”
Me….. confused.
Two nurses, “Remove your mask to uncover your nose… more… even more… not that much… a little more.”
Me…. “Ok”
Two nurses, “Now lean back and tilt your head up.”
Me, “ok”
Two nurses, “ Even more… lean back more… tilt your head up, more.”
Me, “Like this?”
Two nurses, “Now try not to move.”
One of the two nurses rams a long cotton swab covered in some kind of antiseptic up my left nostril. It felt like I was going to be lobotomized. I definitely moved… we'll flinched.
One of the two nurses, “Try not to move… ok… one, two three, four… a little more… don’t move.”
After ten-seconds that feels like two hours, she removes the swab and places it in receptacle.
Me, “That was absolutely awful.”
Two nurses, “Move ahead, roll up your window.”
Me, I roll up my window , but then lower to ask questions. They don’t like this.
“What is the turn around time?”
Another nurse, “Three days.”
Me, “How will I be notified?”
Another nurse, “By email.”
Me, “Is this also an antibody test?”
Another nurse, “No that is a blood test, we don’t do that here.”
Me, “Is there a place online where I can find?”
Another nurse, “They're not available yet.”
Me, “Thank you.”
I roll up my window and drive away, feeling like I just had a proctology exam in my nose.
This is one of the most unpleasant things I’ve ever experienced. Right up there with cavity filling at the dentist, and drawing blood, which I have an absolute irrational fear of. I now have an irrational, (or rational) fear of COVID19 tests.
As I’m driving away from my jarring experience, a car in front of me tosses something out the window. I look to the road and see a used mask. I’m appalled at the inconsideration, but unfortunately not surprised, reminded how selfish people are in LA. I speed up, curious to see what kind of person driving a black 2019 Porsche throwing out a used mask would look like. I pull up to the side.
It's a young spoiled boy on his cellphone.
To cheer myself up I drive through one of my fave places in Los Angeles, Hollywood Forever Cemetery. It’s so Old World beautiful and serene. Especially now with less people the peacocks were out and about adding to the serenity. As I was leaving, I drive by, (I’m going to assume) a family making funeral arrangements for a loved one. The female in the group, (I’m going to assume the daughter) walks ahead of the three men, (I’m going to assume father, and two sons) to get away from them and walks into the cemetery office. The three men linger outside and are yelling through their masks.
Son- “Dad, you need to relax.”
Father- “I don’t need to relax, don’t tell me to relax!”
Son- “ dad, you’re being an asshole.”
Father- “FUCK YOU!.”
To cheer myself up I decide to buy a fish… You read that correctly, a fish. I’ve been wanting a pet for a while. A cat or dog is outta the question, too high maintenance. I couldn’t deal with them in my East Hollywood apartment, and they would get eaten in the high desert… The major steps with “relationships” are-
Step 1- succulent- requires little or no attention
Step 2- fish- requires a little attention, like feeding and changing water
Step 3- dog or cat- requires a good amount of attention, but can fend for itself.
Step 4- boyfriend- demanding allot of attention.
Step 5- marriage- consumes all waking moments of your life.
Step 6- death- ends it all. You can come back as a succulent.
I’ve considered my succulents as pets for a few years now. I’m ready to take the next step.
I drive into the Soylent Green Cemetery Mall, pulling up to Yo’s Aquarium. We named it after the 1973 sci-fi flick when Hollywood Forever Cemetery sold the front part of the property to a mini mall. Rumors prevailed the bodies were never exhumed.
Many years ago I purchased fish for my gallery Antebellum Hollywood, at Yo’s Aquarium. I'm please to find they are still open. I choose a Beta, (Siamese Fighting fish) known for their heartiness. In Thailand they live in muddy puddles. The proprietor is grateful for my purchase. I say to him, “business must be very bad.” “Yes, he responds, terrible.” “Well, good luck, I tell him, I hope you can hang in there.” He puts his hands together and bows gratefully. I can tell he’s smiling through his mask.
Many years ago I purchased fish for my gallery Antebellum Hollywood, at Yo’s Aquarium. I'm please to find they are still open. I choose a Beta, (Siamese Fighting fish) known for their heartiness. In Thailand they live in muddy puddles. The proprietor is grateful for my purchase. I say to him, “business must be very bad.” “Yes, he responds, terrible.” “Well, good luck, I tell him, I hope you can hang in there.” He puts his hands together and bows gratefully. I can tell he’s smiling through his mask.
I haven’t name my new pet fish as of yet. I’ll probably ask my dear friend Iris, she is very good with names. I'll take suggestions from my readers. Please let me know what name you suggest. I think he’s a beauty, What do you think?
BTW, the Greeks and Chinese both take credit for the origin of that phrase, kill two birds with one stone. They can duke it out.
So this is how the world will end.
copyright- rick castro- 5/2020
I think you should name your fish “Rover”.
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