RICK CASTRO: DIARY-5/8/2020

So This Is How The World Will End: by Rick Castro 5/7/2020

I am vacuum challenged. I bet you’ve never heard someone admit to that?

When I say vacuum, I don’t mean vortex or void, I mean cleaner. I am vacuum cleaner challenged. I have never owned a vacuum in my life… and I am really old. I bet you’ve never heard anyone admit to this either?

When I moved out of the family home waaaaaaay back in 1976, (!) Bee, (me mum) gave me an old Hoover. Within the first week of Hoovering, it broke.  At the time I couldn’t afford to buy a new one, so just used a broom. About ten years later, (yes ten) me dad gave me an old industrial type vacuum. The kind with a hose attached to a bucket on wheels. It broke within a month. I went to Sears to look at vacuums and decided they were a waste of $$. I was fine with a broom. I never lived in a place with carpets. My residencies  were always concrete floor industrial artist spaces or vintage hardwood floors. 

I was fine with a broom, in fact I acquired a beautiful collection of exotic magical brooms from far away lands, like Thailand & Bangladesh, even Oaxaca. I was very happy with my brooms. Then about five or so years ago, me circa 1948 apartment with hardwood floors was becoming unbearably dusty. The accumulation of ancient cat hair and dust bunnies was too, too much. Even for me. I’d hear my upstairs neighbor Jenny, Hoovering every few hours, at all hours. I guess she’s a clean freak… 

So I thought I’d bite the bullet, take the plunge, and ask her if I could borrow her vacuum. 

“Of course, she said with glee, this is a DYSON, It's the best!” She was so proud of her vacuum. I had no idea what a Dyson was, but pleased she said yes so quickly. I’m sure everybody is familiar with Dyson’s, but I was not. I was impressed with the aerodynamic design. Like a slim robot. Then I turned it on… whoah it was incredible. The suction! This baby was sucking more dirt and dust than could be seen by the naked eye. This Dyson was literally giving head to my entire apartment. Now I understood why Jenny vacuumed so much. It’s a pleasing feeling to see your place absolutely sparkle with clean. Suddenly the Dyson stopped. It just turned off… for no reason. It wouldn’t go back on. I’d somehow broken Jenny’s Dyson. I looked them up online. They were seven hundred dollars! To start! What was I gonna do?…. Sheepishly I climb the steps with the broken Dyson in my arms, dreading the look on Jenny’s face when I tell her I broke her dildo, I mean vacuum.  I hand her back her baby and wait for the ball to drop. “Oh, it does that sometimes, no big deal.” She plugs it in and it starts right up. Ok, I was spared bankruptcy by a vacuum. Now I was definitely a broom only guy. 

The first time I came to Bee’s cabin, (October 2019) there is no way to handle all this desert dirt and seven years of accumulated dust with a broom. I tried to use Bee’s original Hoover, (circa 1968) and it was leaving black marks. Ok put that away. I then asked me sister if I could borrow her’s. This was last year when she wasn’t part of the Christian-cult, so she said yes. I used it very gingerly, mindful if I made one false move it would all be over. After using it all afternoon I returned it to her, still intact, but full of dirt and dust. 
I didn’t know how to remove the dirt cup. It took us both awhile to clean it to her standards. 

That was a year ago, now living at Bee’s cabin for going on three months, something’s gotta give. When I was visiting my cousin Minguini, (not his real name) a few weeks ago, I spotted a Bissell in the shed he hooked up for my Wifi usage. “Does that vacuum work?” I asked. “You can have it,” He happily replies.  I take it home plug it in and start to vacuum. Suddenly I hit a rock or something larger than it  doesn't like....  I broke it! 
When I was in LA  three weeks ago, I brought from home an old Eureka that an old roomie left about six years ago. I never used it before. I plug it in and Hoover away, only to realize its not picking up dirt, only pushing it around.
It doesn’t work. 

Today is my vacuum red letter day! My dear friend Corley sent me a gift card for Target. Off I go to Hesperia, (remember I wrote about it- HERE) not my fave place, but the only town around with a Target. I’m sure I can pick up a cute little vacuum with $50 gift card. 
I realize you’re laughing at my naiveté. In the world of vacuums I am ignorant. I am dismayed that every vacuum is at the very least $150, most are well over $200 and if you want a Dyson or this new brand Shark, (everyone seems to be talking about) they’re over $400 fucking dollars! I ask the overweight masked sales boy, who just happens to be gayer than springtime, if any of the sample vacuums are actually in stock. Turns out they are not. There is only one to choose from under $100, a petite Dirt Devil: cordless, $90. Ok I'll take it, just get out of Hespira as quickly as possible and back to my comfort zone of Bee’s cabin.

I take the Dirty Devil outta the box… it is soooo tiny… and flimsy! If I look at it too hard it will crack. This is not gonna last me…… 
Ok, Instructions…. I have to charge it… for six hours! So…. in six hours I will be able to use this stick figure vacuum with the hope it doesn’t snap in my arms. I am definitely vacuum challenged. I’ll stick to a broom. After all, I’m used to them.

On a positive note, I purchased gas in Hesperia for $2.33 a gallon! When was the last time you could say that? At least I’m not gas challenged. 

So this is how the world will end.

copyright- rick castro- 5/2020

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